the senior on this project has decided that since i cough uncontrollably every time i laugh right now, and now that we know i can’t get anyone else sick, he’s gonna make me laugh as much as possible today because then it makes him laugh

he’s been making horse noises at random intervals for the last half hour

thank you, assistant controller, for finally responding to the six emails and four voicemails i’ve left you since friday with three questions you told me you would address last tuesday

thank you for your email response

in which you answered one of the three

which i had already gotten an answer to because it was also within the purview of the CAO and CIO and they answer their fucking emails

thank you for not answering the two that are directly related to your review on the p/l variance analysis and the insurance premium validation

thank you

i appreciate your work

wake up: six am.  respond to email from late last night west-coast time for client on california.

get to work: 8:15 am because the intern ordered a coffee drink that had at least 46 syllables in it.

lunch: 45 minutes

leave work: 7:45 pm

get back to hotel after team dinner with excessive alcohol: 9:30 pm

current time: 11:53 pm.  still responding to emails from california client about document request that was submitted july 15.  no, you cannot just send me an email saying that cases were received and expect that to be sufficient evidence for SOX standards, how the fuck are you qualified as the compliance officer for a multibillion dollar company you magnificent back of fuck, send me the fucking records or i will teleport back there and beat you with my gigantic binder full of meticulously tied out test papers so hold me god

working dinners

working dinners

I knew I hated Florida for a reason.

I knew I hated Florida for a reason.

if i leave this job at some point with nothing else, i will have the continual mastery of being able to pack two weeks worth of work clothes + hanging out clothes + workout clothes in one carryon suitcase

it was a close call, but we made it out of the office before the sun went down this time…

it was a close call, but we made it out of the office before the sun went down this time…

dear project boss person please respond to your emails so i know what city i’m going to be in monday and also so i can sign up for this volunteer project asdfl;kajsdflkj

so apparently it’s been driving people i work with nuts that i crack my knuckles all the time because they’re really loud so i’m trying to stop but sometimes they crack on their own just when i’m like picking stuff up and it happened in a meeting today and i got three death glares and i was like I’M SORRY IT JUST HAPPENS I SWEAR and no one believed me and :(

the number of times i’ve locked myself out of my work account by trying to log into the VPN and forgetting that the domain login on mobile uses \ instead of / is actually embarrassing and the tech guys i have to call know me by the sound of my voice and are like “you tried logging into the mobile network again didn’t you you magnificent fuckass” YES I DID JASON THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME OF MY INCOMPETENCE NOW PLEASE UNLOCK MY ACCOUNT D:


if you’re ever trying to get to know a person on a date or whatever, find out when they like to get to the airport. i guarantee it speaks volumes about them. some people know they have a flight at eleven and go, “should i go get breakfast beforehand? i have my boarding pass on my phone, right?” others are like, “i have a car coming to get me at 4:30. i don’t know how long it’ll take to check in and walk down two hallways, better give myself six hours. what? dinner the night before? i can’t. i’m in a whole other mindset right now. i have two hard copies of my boarding pass, i emailed it to myself, i have it on my phone, it’s also tattooed to my chest.”


if i was a better person i would be working right now but wow shocking i’m not time for another drink

going into outlook to email a bunch of spreadsheets to someone and realizing that of the seventy drillion work people in your contacts, you are the only one on this continent still logged in and working

there are worse places to stay…

there are worse places to stay…