writing tip #392:
always make it obvious which love interest the mc will end up with from the beginning. it’s a romance not a brain teaser
Semicolons Are Sexy
They are; they fucking are. Please accept from me this sweet, overflowing bouquet of audacious semicolons… (;;;;;;;;;) I would fuck the shit out of any girl who knew how to use a semicolon correctly. No; that’s not true. That’s too crass. I would make sweet gentle Antonio Banderas-style love to any girl who knew how to correctly use a semicolon; with quilted sheets, and flickering candles. I would get up in the middle of our passionate lovemaking to tenderly bring her glasses of water because she’d be thirsty from all our passionate lovemaking. That’s how strongly I feel about semicolons.
Oh, imaginary girl who also feels so strongly about semicolons! Dumb people say that we no longer need to use semicolons; but they are wrong. Critics say these negative things about semicolons; ”They are old-fashioned,” “They are middle-class,” “They are optional,” “They are mysteriously connected to pausing,” “They are dangerously addictive.” These people are fuckheads. Fuck all that noise, I say.
Oh, not for you. Not for you and me! Not for us, the phallic thrusting of the “em-dash.” Not for us, the excessive white space of the colon. No, for us, only the blank dot, symbolizing sexy nothingness and the sexy void; the blank dot and the luscious curve of the comma, which symbolizes ripeness, growth, and also sex, because most things symbolize sex.
Oh, one day; my purely hypothetical darling. One day, we will meet. And even if you happen not to be a girl, but perhaps a very epicene David-Bowie-ish sort of skinny dude; well, I’ve never swung that way before, but if we both love semicolons so much, probably it will be okay; but one day, we will meet. Possibly on the avenue; we will meet. We will spread our hands. We will know one another. “Hello,” we will say. “Hello; what next?” we will say. And we will know; we will know what is next to come.
pop quiz: who went out on a date because the asker used a semicolon correctly, even though we had nothing in common? hint: it was me, i actually did that.
the world is heavy
but your bones
(just a cubic inch)
can hold 19,000 lbs
ounce for ounce
they are stronger than steel
atom for atom
you are more precious than diamond
and stars have died
so that you may live
you need to remember these things
when you say that you are weak